Quidditch Needs a Deity

By: Fiona Wisehart

The future of quidditch in the United States is uncertain, at best. The number of teams has declined since World Cup 10. We are in the midst of a pandemic, which is spreading unchecked throughout the country. Perhaps worst of all, assistant referees (ARs) around the world have been struck tragically, and situationally, blind, completely preventing them from accomplishing their one job— watching beater play.

To save quidditch, we need divine intervention. We need a Deity.

I would like to nominate Sean Biggerstaff. 

Sean Biggerstaff

Proposed Quidditch Deity, Quidditch Lover, Hottie

Image: Oliver Wood, just chillin’

He possesses a passion for quidditch that when combined with his raw sex appeal and accessability makes him extremely powerful. Far more formidable than other comparable Sports Deities, such as Kermit or Gritty.

Kermit the Frog

Disc Golf Deity, The Muppets

Image: Thirst trap on Kermit’s Instagram

Gritty

Philadelphia Flyers Deity

Image: Hockey Game Preformance

As the actor who played Oliver Wood in the Harry Potter movies, Sean Biggerstaff has loved quidditch from the beginning.

Famously saying “you can’t cancel quidditch” as Oliver Wood in Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets, Sean embodies the fanaticism possessed by so many quidditch players. His complete disregard for health and safety is exactly what you would expect from our Quidditch Deity.

Big Wood has big balls.

Sean is a pisces and his horoscope states “in general, [he prefers] to spend time with likeminded people and [his own] own ways of testing those who are worthy of [his] attention, especially in love where [he has] quite a list of expectations.” It is clear that Our God will be cruel, but fair. He will have high expectations that we must claw our way to meet, as we would in any coach-player relationship. We must always remember that it is our fault when we do not meet his standards.

As the only publicly sex-positive quidditch media outlet, Sean’s sex appeal made FastBreak’s decision to endorse him extremely simple.

While he unfortunately did not have much time as Oliver Wood on the big screen, he was really able to make the role come alive on the small screens of fan fiction writers of Wattpad, An Archive of our Own, and FanFiction.net alike.

His name may be “Biggerstaff,” but we have confirmed that he has the biggest staff and that is why we need to make him our Deity.

Finally, Sean’s accessibility is unmatched because unlike Gritty and Kermit, he has a cameo. With 98% of reviewers rating him 5 stars, satisfaction is guaranteed. Praying before Nationals has never been so easy!

I think it is clear to us all that American quidditch requires substantive structural change to survive. At this point, we need a miracle. Sean Biggerstaff can give us one.

As MuggleNet quoted him as Oliver Wood saying,

Sam Nielsen contributed research.